I am afraid this is not going to be one of my cheery posts. This week is really a lot harder than I thought it would be. Although it has been a year since the day that changed the world, sometimes I feel like it was yesterday. Like most New Yorkers, I am feeling a bit inundated by the media coverage and the todo that is going on in the city right now. I am trying very hard to get past this anniversary without too much pain and fear. I thought I was doing very well until this morning. Since I woke up, I have had a weight in my chest and the uncontrollable urge to cry. As I type now, I am holding back tears that have been dammed up for a year. In case you did not know, I was actually in my office on that fateful day, 2 World Trade Center, 74th Floor. If you would like to read my story, click here.
I had never really put a whole lot of thought into survivor guilt until I was faced with this experience. I have to carry around with me the fact that there were over 3000 people that died so I could live. Because the plane hit the other building first, I had time to escape. If the timing was reversed, I would not be writing this post. It still hurts a lot. Much more than I realized.
There are so many reminders everyday for me. Even when I was up in the Poconos, I couldn't help notice the beautiful clear blue sky. It was the same color and clarity of September 11, 2001. Planes flying overhead or tall buildings still give me a little pause. Unexplained loud noises have a new effect on my nerves. Smoke in the sky takes me back. The smell of burning city, which was the only way I can describe it, makes my stomach lurch.
I have been back to the WTC site a few times. A couple of times, unintentionally. I still feel the anger and the sadness and the pity and the fear everytime I see the images in the media. I work in an office of survivors that can't or won't let go. Not a day goes by when the topic of our former workplace does not come up in casual conversation. I know that I have changed since that day. There are parts of me that will never be the same.
I think that is more than enough lamenting for today. I hope everyone out hter ecan get through this very emotional time without too much pain and fear. I know that I plan on hibernating tomorrow. In fact, I may start sooner than that.
I had never really put a whole lot of thought into survivor guilt until I was faced with this experience. I have to carry around with me the fact that there were over 3000 people that died so I could live. Because the plane hit the other building first, I had time to escape. If the timing was reversed, I would not be writing this post. It still hurts a lot. Much more than I realized.
There are so many reminders everyday for me. Even when I was up in the Poconos, I couldn't help notice the beautiful clear blue sky. It was the same color and clarity of September 11, 2001. Planes flying overhead or tall buildings still give me a little pause. Unexplained loud noises have a new effect on my nerves. Smoke in the sky takes me back. The smell of burning city, which was the only way I can describe it, makes my stomach lurch.
I have been back to the WTC site a few times. A couple of times, unintentionally. I still feel the anger and the sadness and the pity and the fear everytime I see the images in the media. I work in an office of survivors that can't or won't let go. Not a day goes by when the topic of our former workplace does not come up in casual conversation. I know that I have changed since that day. There are parts of me that will never be the same.
I think that is more than enough lamenting for today. I hope everyone out hter ecan get through this very emotional time without too much pain and fear. I know that I plan on hibernating tomorrow. In fact, I may start sooner than that.
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